I’ve been doing this blogging thing for almost three weeks now and not a sausage, just a few spam, so I guess I am just talking to myself.
I started this thing just for myself, a way to cope with things really, my social anxiety disorder, get things straight in my own head and hope to deal with them a little better. But now things are up and running I’m starting to crave attention, yes me, insane right? I’d say so. I’m usually the bloke huddled in the corner trying desperately not to be noticed. So why has this thing become so different? It can’t just be a need for recognition for the work I’m putting in surely, I mean it’s not exactly work, I babble about rubbish for Pete’s sake, where’s the work in that? Maybe this little idea of mine is actually having a bit of an effect, maybe putting my anxiety down on paper, so to speak, is doing just what I hoped, but never really expected, more confidence with others. Hey, if that is the case, and in less than three weeks too, then you can be damn sure I’m going to keep it up, whether I get outside interest or not. I’ve suffered from this Social Anxiety Disorder monster for over three quarters of my life and all I had to do to make an impact on it was simply open up and talk about it!? Better late than never, I guess.
It’s funny, I hadn’t really wanted to admit it until now but I do feel a little different. It’s hard to explain, it’s sort of being more open to the outside world I guess, I’m holding my head a little higher, making more eye contact, feeling like I want to make contact, I mean really feeling that I actually want to, not just that I’d like to, some day, maybe, ok never to be honest, that seems to be fading. In a previous post I mentioned that I was going to send off a CV to try for a career change, that letter was posted, shock horror, but not only that, I actually went for a stroll around the shop in question the very next day. I drove straight there after work, parked up outside, got out of the car and walked straight into the shop, no hesitation at all. This is just not done in my world, it’s unheard-of, it’s usually panic and puke inducing! At least it used to be.
So, if there is anyone out there keeping me company during this opening up of mine, I’d just like to thank you for looking in on me, I might not even know if you’re out there but at least the idea of you is proving to be the catalyst for, what I desperately hope is, a small change in me.
All the best.